Hey Baby. I hate long weekends like this when you are at your father's house, but he is bringing you home in a little bit and I will be taking you over to Auntie's house to get a much needed haircut. You gotta look slick for your birthday party next weekend! God I can't believe you are going to be 6 years old. It seems like just yesterday I was stressing about whether or not I was finally going to be pregnant and now I am going to be celebrating your 6th birthday.
Conor I wish you knew what this season was all about. I wish you understood why everything is all decked out in lights and red and green. I wish you knew why I am so all about traditions like the tree, special ornaments, Santa, baking etc. I can't help but wonder if you will ever understand. I can only dream that one day you will "get it" and one day you will be able to experience and create new traditions with a family of your own. I am well aware that your future is unknown and as much as that scares the living shit out of me, I have to learn to accept the fact that there are just some things out of my control. That is not easy for me to do.
One thing that is within my control is providing you the best opportunity possible to make a successful and independent future a reality rather than just a dream of mine. Besides making sure that you are in the best school possible for you (no matter how far away it is) and making sure you have the best possible therapy you can get, I am doing everything I can to set you up on some one on one playdates. These play dates are designed to help you with social situations, communication, sharing and so much more. You had your first play date with your friend Jayen last week. I was shocked, and I think your therapists were shocked as well that it went as smooth as it did. You both played trains for a good 30 minutes. You had a snack and ended playing independently in your playroom while you watched one of your favorite "My Baby Can Read" videos. We have another play date set up for this coming Tuesday as well. I am excited we have these opportunities with your friend and also excited that your therapists are going to be there to supervise, take data and help prompt here and there. This not only is a good opportunity for you, but also your friend Jayen. Jayen has autism, but he also has epilepsy. He is an amazing kid and is delayed just like you. Although his speech and communication is more advanced than yours you both still have your special ways of communicating. I love seeing you too play together. I warms my heart.
Conor, I need to sign off here so I can go take a shower. You will be home soon and we are going to go get your haircut, get some dinner and then check out some Christmas lights! But I do want to take a quick second to apologize to you first. I know Mommy has been somewhat of an emotional wreck the last couple weeks. You have had some changes in routine (yet again) and are doing the very best you can to cope with those changes. I have also been doing my best to cope with your changes, your new behaviors and so much more. I am sorry if I am sad sometimes, I know you don't understand this emotion yet and it's time like this that I am VERY grateful for that, but I still feel the need to apologize. I have been under a lot of stress lately and there is a lot going on during this time of year in general. Top the seasonal changes off, I am really missing your sister lately (as of today, it has been 995 days since we have last seen her), there are things going on at work, decisions about our future that need to be made and memories that just keep popping up here and there. Needless to say it is just an emotional time of year for me. For some reason, this year seems to be more emotional. Just know I am doing my best to be "present" and I will ALWAYS be here for you. I love you so much Monkey.
All my love forever,
Mommy
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