Hi Baby.... I wish I had pictures to post of you watching fireworks. I wish I was able to see the look on your face like I saw when we were at Disneyland. You loved the fireworks and all the colors, your face lit up even brighter than the sky. But yet again, on this 4th of July (just like last year) it just worked out that it is your weekend with your father and I won't have the opportunity to experience that with you.
It's times like this that not only do I feel sad for not being able to experience these things with you, but also the bitterness towards your father that manages to creep up on me again for him putting us in this situation. Been a little over 2 years now and I honestly don't know if that bitterness will ever go away but I do everything I can to not show you that bitterness and I will continue to hold it all in. Holidays that needs to be shared now, weekends that I am without you, makes it so much harder. BUT......... It is what it is, there is no going back and we move forward with what we have. You and me Kiddo.
I hope you are having fun with your father and your Great Grandma today. I know you love playing in the play pool, climbing on the swingset that Great Grandma bought for you and your cousin, playing with your sticker mountain. I know you are going to see your Grandma and Grandpa Thompson too and love that you are able to have such an amazing relationship with them. You know Baby, not many kids are as lucky as you are. When some mommies and daddies go their separate ways, sometimes they don't get to see all the people in their family. Not you though. You are a very special little boy and you are soooo incredibly loved.
The love a parent has for their kids is indescribable. The love I have for you (and your sister) is what keeps me going and reminds me every day to take another breathe. I know in my heart, one of these days, your sister will come home. Just as I know in my heart, one of these days, you will talk, you will tell me you love me, you will even tell me to shut up (and I can't wait for that moment), one of these days you will tell me everything that you have been trying to tell me with your eyes for the last 3 years.....
Conor I vow to you to make sure that you have the best life, the best childhood, the best opportunities that I can possibly give you. You see me struggle sometimes, but do understand. You may see me cry sometimes, but you don't yet understand those kinds of emotions (which at times I am grateful for). But no matter what, no matter hard things get, or how much sleep I lose, I will always love you and I will always fight to make sure you have everything you need to succeed, now and in the future.
I love you baby. Happy 4th of July.
All My Love, Forever.
Mom
