My Dearest Conor,
Well, we did it baby! We survived another year. :) Happy New Year!!! 10 years ago, I never could have imagined that staying home, alone, with a kid on New Years would have brought me happiness, but it did. Your quirkiness makes me smile and your sense of style warms my heart. This is how you chose to dress up for the night and ring in the new year. And boy did you ring it in with "style". LOL
I guess Grandpa Clyde giving you a good long nap during the day on New Years Eve worked out in our favor, as you actually stayed up till midnight to watch the ball drop. Although you could have cared less and just kept pressing your "Blue Clues" button on your iPad, it meant something to me to be able to ring in the new year with you.
Of course, the first day of 2015 was no different than most nights of 2014, as you ended up in my bed in the middle of the night, again. I tried and tried to get you to go back to sleep and you wouldn't have it. Finally, I asked you if you wanted to hear your songs on the phone. You responded with your lazy way of saying "yes" with your nod and your blink, which BTW reminds me so much of an old TV show called "I Dream of Jeanie". Don't worry, I don't expect you to have any clue what I am talking about. :)
As I put your songs on and tried to keep the covers on you (because it was freezing), you started to doze. Then, song #3 came on and you rolled over and looked at me. I asked you if you wanted me to sing again, and again, you nodded and blinked. Song #3 on your playlist is called "You and Me Against the World" and it's by a woman named Helen Reddy. It's an older song, but one of my favorites. I have been signing this song to you were first born, and 9x out of 10 you are asleep either before it started or by the end of it. If only I knew back then, just how true the words of the song would actually become.... But regardless, it is one of our songs and always will be.
What amazed me though Conor was, at 3am when I was trying to get you to go back to sleep, was your immense desire to hear this song. What else amazed me was your almost constant eye contact with me the entire time I was singing this song to you. It was a very personal moment, and I just had to take this picture. Now, Conor... I think we both know by now that by no means can I carry a tune, nor do I pretend to. But the simple fact that you laid there, during the entire song, making eye contact (except for when you were dozing off and eyes were starting to close) and listened to me (attempt) to sing the song. I was moved. Those tears that you saw leaking from my eye, those were happy tears. Those were tears of joy and tears of hope. Just like the little child says at the end of the song, "I love you Mommy" and the Mommy responds "I love you to Baby". I am hopeful that 2015 will be the year I get to actually hear those words from you.
But, you know what though, Conor? If you don't say it this year, or next or even ever.... That's okay. I know you feel it and I know you want to say it. You show me that you love me each and every single day, and just as I have been saying for years "actions speak louder than words".
Conor, you proved that very statement to me this morning when I was leaving for work. You sat there on the floor, between Halei and myself, and I told you that I loved you. You responded by signing "I love you" completely independently. No prompting..... No help...... Just 100% Conor, sitting in the middle of the floor, responding to my verbal "I love you" with you signing "I love you". You just signed "I love you" like you had been signing your entire life. Again, actions speak louder than words.
So baby, as we start off 2015 on that note, I couldn't be more happy. We have soo much to do this year. Lot of changes are in store for us, and I can't wait to look back 1 year from now and reflect on all the progress you will have made.
I love you baby. Happy New Year!
All My Love, Forever.
Mom
