04.15.15 - Your Major League Baseball Debut

My Dearest Conor,

Hi Baby! Ohhhhh what an experience you just had. Got a text from our friend Amy who used to work for Autism Speaks and she asked if you would be interested in throwing out the first pitch at the Diamondbacks game during Autism Awareness Day....... You honestly thing I would have told her "no"? :) 6 weeks later and after a little practice, you did it!!! I was sooo proud of you monkey. You have family and friends in the stands cheering you on, you had all your therapists on their field supporting you. It was a magic moment. You have come sooo far Conor. I am beyond proud of you Baby.

Here is the video I put together of your special day. Along with some photos below it. So proud!

I love you baby. 

All My Love, Forever.

Mom

03.01.15 - Sign It - Speak It - Push a Button... I just want to know you love me.

My Dearest Conor,

Hi again. Been 2 months since my last letter. You are keeping me pretty busy these days Conor! About to get busier this week too when you start Buddy Baseball again, but we will get through it together, like we do everything else. :) 

I just wanted to write to you and tell you about a class I took this past Friday. It was a class on communication devices and the different apps that could be used to help people like you communicate. I spent 7 hours in an itty bitty little room with a bunch of other kick ass autism parents, and I gotta tell you Conor, it was a great class! Usually when I am sitting in an itty bitty room like that for 7 hours, it's for traffic school. This class was sooo much better than traffic school! :) 

First of all.... The woman who instructed the class is the mother of a 17 year old boy named Kreed (whom you met for the first time last night). I learned a lot and was very motivated when I got home, so much so that I have spent the last few days off an on reprograming your iPad and adding some new buttons. Erin had a lot of great examples and videos to back up her examples of her son as he used his device. Kreed is 17 and only started using his device in last 5 or 6 years I believe. Today is like a pro at it! 

Kreed and Conor - 02/28/2015

Second........ Besides the fact that learning the device and getting used to it is difficult at times, I also learned the hardest part about implementing a communication device program is getting EVERYONE on board. I have learned this over the past year with various people in your life, but even with all the data taken and all the studies, some people still think that communication devices HINDER those still learning to speak. There are some people who no matter what you say to them, or what proof you show them, will never fully "buy-in" to the benefits of a communication device. I myself am 1000% on board. I have seen what it has done for you over the past year, I have seen what it has done for your communication skills. Hell..... just yesterday while we were driving in the car back from Tucson, you were was able to tell me that you saw McDonald's sign on the side of the road and that you wanted french fries and nuggets. You did this all with your communication device. Conor that is HUGE!!! I wanted to pull over and do a happy dance, but I refrained. I was afraid someone would have called and reported a crazy woman dancing on the side of the road. :) But seriously Conor, HOW would I have known you wanted to eat french fries and nuggets without being able to tell me? Since you can't verbalize that to me (YET), with the use of your device you knew how to communicate with me. You knew how to do that because of the training we were provided by Nick and Lindsay. 

So here's the deal..... This is what I have learned and continue to learn. There are two kinds of people. People who buy in to the use of communication devices and people who don't. I am in the "people who do buy in" group. Erin gave many examples in the class on Friday, but one has stuck in my head and just won't leave. Kreed is 17 years old and only started using a device to communicate a few years ago. IMAGINE all the things he has ever wanted to say over the past several years that he was unable to say because he did not have the tools to do so. I personally could not imagine going through life just staring at everyone and everything, and not have the means to communicate my thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. Not have any way to tell someone I was in pain, or didn't like the slop that they kept feeding me over and over again. 

Conor, let me just say this. YOU ARE MY HERO. You deal with sooo much on a daily basis, and sure you have a melt down and a tantrum there, but you still chug on. There is sooo much that we are trying to shove into that little brain of yours in such as short amount of time, I understand why you get frustrated. I just hope you realize, years from now when you are reading this letter, that I pushed because I love you and I pushed because this is just such a crucial time in your development. If I didn't push, I feel I would not be doing my job as your mother. 

Myself, along with all your therapists, are trying teaching you how to communicate in every possible way we can think of. Of course, every single day, every waking hour of every single day, we are trying to teach  you how to speak using your spoken word. But... we also work on teaching you sign language skills as well as teaching you how to communicate using your TouchChat app and iPad. Eventually, when you get better with your writing skills and reading and writing, we will teach you how to communicate using the alphabet and writing utensils as well. You have a ways to go before we get there, but show more and more progress every day. 

Conor, I am not going to lie to you.... of course I want you to speak. Of course I want to hear your voice. I want to hear you annoy me by repeating everything over and over again. I want you to ask me "why" a million times. I want to have an argument with you. I honestly 100% feel in my heart that YOU WILL SPEAK, ONE DAY. My head is telling me that I need to be a realist and that there is still the possibility that it may never happen. I need to prepare you for that, I need to prepare me for that. THAT is why I push. THAT is why I am doing everything possible to make sure that you have all the tools you need to learn to communicate. 

I refuse to wait till you are 10 or 12 or 15 before I say "okay, he is never going to talk maybe we should look into getting him a communication device". Just because at the age of 4 when you started using your device, and now at 5 when we push you to use it more, I am by no means going to allow you to use your device as a crutch to NOT use your verbal communication skills. But...... this is me and this is my choice as your mother, to make sure you have these tools. Conor, I NEED you to be able to tell me your head hurts even if it's by using sign language. I NEED to know that you need a drink of water, even if it's by using your device. Those things I need to know. But there is one thing I would give practically anything to hear you SAY, and that is "I LOVE YOU". But, for now, I will accept sign language. I will accept hearing it on your device.

Conor signing "I Love You"

One more thing before I sign off on this letter. There are some people that may not like me because I do push so much. There are some people who may not agree with my way of thinking in regards to this device -vs- speech -vs- sign language or any of my other choices regarding your therapy for that matter. There are also some people who I had expected more from in regards to "being on board", but I have learned recently that I can't expect to change the thought process of everyone on the planet. I have been told on numerous occasions that my expectations are rather high. Well..... when it comes to my kids, you bet your ass my expectations are high, as are my expectations for those around my kids. I understand that no one is going to fight as hard for you, your services, your therapy, your education, your everything more than I will. Conor, I will fight for you till my last breath. 

Look, like I said, I know you are going through a lot right now, but in time, this will all be worth it. I am soooo incredibly proud of you and of all that you have accomplished. I wish you would be a little less ninja like, but that is who you are and I love you for it no matter what. ;) You keep up the good work you are doing Monkey. I will keep pushing to give you the tools you need to do it. It will pay off.... 

I love you baby. 

All My Love, Forever.
Mom

01.02.15 - Happy new year

My Dearest Conor,

Well, we did it baby! We survived another year. :) Happy New Year!!! 10 years ago, I never could have imagined that staying home, alone, with a kid on New Years would have brought me happiness, but it did. Your quirkiness makes me smile and your sense of style warms my heart. This is how you chose to dress up for the night and ring in the new year. And boy did you ring it in with "style". LOL 

I guess Grandpa Clyde giving you a good long nap during the day on New Years Eve worked out in our favor, as you actually stayed up till midnight to watch the ball drop. Although you could have cared less and just kept pressing your "Blue Clues" button on your iPad, it meant something to me to be able to ring in the new year with you. 

Of course, the first day of 2015 was no different than most nights of 2014, as you ended up in my bed in the middle of the night, again. I tried and tried to get you to go back to sleep and you wouldn't have it. Finally, I asked you if you wanted to hear your songs on the phone. You responded with your lazy way of saying "yes" with your nod and your blink, which BTW reminds me so much of an old TV show called "I Dream of Jeanie". Don't worry, I don't expect you to have any clue what I am talking about. :) 

As I put your songs on and tried to keep the covers on you (because it was freezing), you started to doze. Then, song #3 came on and you rolled over and looked at me. I asked you if you wanted me to sing again, and again, you nodded and blinked. Song #3 on your playlist is called "You and Me Against the World" and it's by a woman named Helen Reddy. It's an older song, but one of my favorites. I have been signing this song to you were first born, and 9x out of 10 you are asleep either before it started or by the end of it. If only I knew back then, just how true the words of the song would actually become.... But regardless, it is one of our songs and always will be. 

What amazed me though Conor was, at 3am when I was trying to get you to go back to sleep, was your immense desire to hear this song. What else amazed me was your almost constant eye contact with me the entire time I was singing this song to you. It was a very personal moment, and I just had to take this picture. Now, Conor... I think we both know by now that by no means can I carry a tune, nor do I pretend to. But the simple fact that you laid there, during the entire song, making eye contact (except for when you were dozing off and eyes were starting to close) and listened to me (attempt) to sing the song. I was moved. Those tears that you saw leaking from my eye, those were happy tears. Those were tears of joy and tears of hope. Just like the little child says at the end of the song, "I love you Mommy" and the Mommy responds "I love you to Baby". I am hopeful that 2015 will be the year I get to actually hear those words from you. 

But, you know what though, Conor? If you don't say it this year, or next or even ever.... That's okay. I know you feel it and I know you want to say it. You show me that  you love me each and every single day, and just as I have been saying for years "actions speak louder than words". 

Conor, you proved that very statement to me this morning when I was leaving for work. You sat there on the floor, between Halei and myself, and I told you that I loved you. You responded by signing "I love you" completely independently. No prompting..... No help...... Just 100% Conor, sitting in the middle of the floor, responding to my verbal "I love you" with you signing "I love you". You just signed "I love you" like you had been signing your entire life. Again, actions speak louder than words. 

So baby, as we start off 2015 on that note, I couldn't be more happy. We have soo much to do this year. Lot of changes are in store for us, and I can't wait to look back 1 year from now and reflect on all the progress you will have made. 

I love you baby. Happy New Year!

All My Love, Forever.

Mom

12.19.14 - Happy 5th Birthday

My Dearest Conor,

Happy Birthday!!! I can't believe you are 5 years old today. Wasn't it just yesterday that I walked into the hospital as a "soon-to-be-mom"? From the very first minute I laid eyes on you, I knew my life was going to change forever.  I had dreamed and hoped and tried for so long for you. I honestly never thought that day would come.

Not going to lie, it was a rough pregnancy and a scary birth, but it was all worth it in the end to finally hold you in my arms. To look into your eyes, to feel you wrap your little fingers around mine, to listen to that little whimper of a cry. I never knew this kind of love existed. Being your mom is the most amazing feeling in the world.

  

Over the past 5 years, you have grown so much. You were an infant, a baby, a toddler and now you have become a "little boy". As you grow older, you will continue to grow into a young man, a teenager, a young adult, an adult and then with any luck an old man. During these coming years, not only will you grow physically, you will grown mentally and emotionally. How that will all play out is still yet to be determined and you and I will experience that part together. 

You have some struggles that some other kids don't. But then again, you have some talents that other kids don't too. Some of your struggles right now include some sensory issues. For example, you can't stand to have things on your hands and you are constantly wiping them on the table, your shirt or even my shirt. You don't like to stand in water or have water on the bottom of your shoes, yet you love the tub and you love to swim. Your biggest struggle right now is your lack of speech. You can "say" a couple words, but that is only with some prompting. You can sign more words than you can speak and you are very good at communicating with your iPad. You are working with an amazing speech therapist named Lindsay (whom you love and she loves you) and with her help, your hard work, and the help of the rest of your therapy team, I have no doubt that one of these days you will be speaking fluently and giving me attitude. 

Conor, it's you and me kid. You are stuck with me for the long haul. I made a promise to you when you were born, and I am sure you don't remember this WINK WINK, but I made you a promise and told you that I would do everything in my power to protect you and make sure that you have everything you need to become whomever it is you want to become. You want to be a baseball player? I will do what I can to help you. You want to become a ballerina? I will do whatever I can to help you. You want to become an master physicist? Well, I think you might be on your own for that one Bud. I barely graduated high school! :)

Starting today though, I am going to starting writing you letters. Not sure how frequent these letters will come, as being a single mom to you does take a lot of my time. In addition to working a full time job, my volunteer work, etc., but rest assured, I will be writing you letters. My hope is that years from now, you will be able to look back on these letters that I have written and learn something. Learn something about me, as your mom and maybe even learn something about you, as a man. I would hope that you learn from things I did right, as well as learn from things I did wrong so you know not to repeat my mistakes. Life is full of lessons, my son. That would be lesson #1. :) 

Sometimes things don't workout the way you planned.  Your father and I created you, out of love, with a goal in mind to be a family, but that didn't quite work out as I had planned. Conor when you start to grow up and start to figure YOUR life out and what YOU want out of it, you will find yourself creating a little "Life Road Map" like I did. One day, you will find yourself traveling along that map, on cruise control, just as happy as can be. Then all of a sudden, you come to an intersection and you are faced with a couple different choices. Just remember this son, if you stay true to yourself and true to your dreams, no matter what direction you take at that intersection, it will lead you to your destination. If you turn right, it might take you a little longer than if you had turned left. If you turn left, it might take 10x longer than if you had gone straight. You never know what lies ahead of you Conor. All you can do, is like I said, be true to yourself and your dreams. You will find your destination. 

Kinda deep for a 5 year old huh? Yeah, I know... but I know it will be a long time before you read this. I am confident that when you do read this, you will be of an age where it will mean something to you. I hope that when you read this, you are at a place in your life that if you have questions or anything you want to say to me, that you feel can come to me. I also hope that I am still around for you to ask me those questions. Life has a funny way of getting in the way of your road map. Road blocks and speed bumps will appear out of nowhere. Honey, by the time you are interested in reading these letters, your road map will have so many twists and turns that it will literally look like a bowl of spaghetti. But, if you believe in yourself, like I believe in you, then you will find your way. 

Oh Conor. You are only 5 and you have already achieved do much and yet their is still sooo much more to accomplish. Pretty much for the last 3 years, you have had non-stop therapy. Developmental, Occupational, Speech, Habilitation, ABA and then add on pre-school to that. Did you have a choice in the matter? No, this was something I chose for you, as your mom, because that is my job. My job is to protect you and to give you all the tools you need to become whomever it is you want to become. Sure, I still have managed (don't ask me how) to try and make a normal life for you outside of therapy and school. Getting you into sports such as baseball and soccer. Giving you opportunities to make friends (Mateo, Isaiah and Caleb and others) as well as even meet your future wife, Violet (WINK WINK) I hope you will see in the years to come, just how much I love you and just how much I would do anything for you.

I KNOW I am not perfect. I KNOW I do not have all the answers, but I can PROMISE YOU this, my son. I am doing the very best I can for you and I as long as I am breathing, I will continue to do my best. I am soo incredibly proud of you and of the "little boy" you have grown to be. I look forward to watching you continue to grow, and become whomever it is you want to become. 

I love you baby. Happy 5th Birthday!

All My Love, Forever. 

Mom