01.02.15 - Happy new year

My Dearest Conor,

Well, we did it baby! We survived another year. :) Happy New Year!!! 10 years ago, I never could have imagined that staying home, alone, with a kid on New Years would have brought me happiness, but it did. Your quirkiness makes me smile and your sense of style warms my heart. This is how you chose to dress up for the night and ring in the new year. And boy did you ring it in with "style". LOL 

I guess Grandpa Clyde giving you a good long nap during the day on New Years Eve worked out in our favor, as you actually stayed up till midnight to watch the ball drop. Although you could have cared less and just kept pressing your "Blue Clues" button on your iPad, it meant something to me to be able to ring in the new year with you. 

Of course, the first day of 2015 was no different than most nights of 2014, as you ended up in my bed in the middle of the night, again. I tried and tried to get you to go back to sleep and you wouldn't have it. Finally, I asked you if you wanted to hear your songs on the phone. You responded with your lazy way of saying "yes" with your nod and your blink, which BTW reminds me so much of an old TV show called "I Dream of Jeanie". Don't worry, I don't expect you to have any clue what I am talking about. :) 

As I put your songs on and tried to keep the covers on you (because it was freezing), you started to doze. Then, song #3 came on and you rolled over and looked at me. I asked you if you wanted me to sing again, and again, you nodded and blinked. Song #3 on your playlist is called "You and Me Against the World" and it's by a woman named Helen Reddy. It's an older song, but one of my favorites. I have been signing this song to you were first born, and 9x out of 10 you are asleep either before it started or by the end of it. If only I knew back then, just how true the words of the song would actually become.... But regardless, it is one of our songs and always will be. 

What amazed me though Conor was, at 3am when I was trying to get you to go back to sleep, was your immense desire to hear this song. What else amazed me was your almost constant eye contact with me the entire time I was singing this song to you. It was a very personal moment, and I just had to take this picture. Now, Conor... I think we both know by now that by no means can I carry a tune, nor do I pretend to. But the simple fact that you laid there, during the entire song, making eye contact (except for when you were dozing off and eyes were starting to close) and listened to me (attempt) to sing the song. I was moved. Those tears that you saw leaking from my eye, those were happy tears. Those were tears of joy and tears of hope. Just like the little child says at the end of the song, "I love you Mommy" and the Mommy responds "I love you to Baby". I am hopeful that 2015 will be the year I get to actually hear those words from you. 

But, you know what though, Conor? If you don't say it this year, or next or even ever.... That's okay. I know you feel it and I know you want to say it. You show me that  you love me each and every single day, and just as I have been saying for years "actions speak louder than words". 

Conor, you proved that very statement to me this morning when I was leaving for work. You sat there on the floor, between Halei and myself, and I told you that I loved you. You responded by signing "I love you" completely independently. No prompting..... No help...... Just 100% Conor, sitting in the middle of the floor, responding to my verbal "I love you" with you signing "I love you". You just signed "I love you" like you had been signing your entire life. Again, actions speak louder than words. 

So baby, as we start off 2015 on that note, I couldn't be more happy. We have soo much to do this year. Lot of changes are in store for us, and I can't wait to look back 1 year from now and reflect on all the progress you will have made. 

I love you baby. Happy New Year!

All My Love, Forever.

Mom

12.19.14 - Happy 5th Birthday

My Dearest Conor,

Happy Birthday!!! I can't believe you are 5 years old today. Wasn't it just yesterday that I walked into the hospital as a "soon-to-be-mom"? From the very first minute I laid eyes on you, I knew my life was going to change forever.  I had dreamed and hoped and tried for so long for you. I honestly never thought that day would come.

Not going to lie, it was a rough pregnancy and a scary birth, but it was all worth it in the end to finally hold you in my arms. To look into your eyes, to feel you wrap your little fingers around mine, to listen to that little whimper of a cry. I never knew this kind of love existed. Being your mom is the most amazing feeling in the world.

  

Over the past 5 years, you have grown so much. You were an infant, a baby, a toddler and now you have become a "little boy". As you grow older, you will continue to grow into a young man, a teenager, a young adult, an adult and then with any luck an old man. During these coming years, not only will you grow physically, you will grown mentally and emotionally. How that will all play out is still yet to be determined and you and I will experience that part together. 

You have some struggles that some other kids don't. But then again, you have some talents that other kids don't too. Some of your struggles right now include some sensory issues. For example, you can't stand to have things on your hands and you are constantly wiping them on the table, your shirt or even my shirt. You don't like to stand in water or have water on the bottom of your shoes, yet you love the tub and you love to swim. Your biggest struggle right now is your lack of speech. You can "say" a couple words, but that is only with some prompting. You can sign more words than you can speak and you are very good at communicating with your iPad. You are working with an amazing speech therapist named Lindsay (whom you love and she loves you) and with her help, your hard work, and the help of the rest of your therapy team, I have no doubt that one of these days you will be speaking fluently and giving me attitude. 

Conor, it's you and me kid. You are stuck with me for the long haul. I made a promise to you when you were born, and I am sure you don't remember this WINK WINK, but I made you a promise and told you that I would do everything in my power to protect you and make sure that you have everything you need to become whomever it is you want to become. You want to be a baseball player? I will do what I can to help you. You want to become a ballerina? I will do whatever I can to help you. You want to become an master physicist? Well, I think you might be on your own for that one Bud. I barely graduated high school! :)

Starting today though, I am going to starting writing you letters. Not sure how frequent these letters will come, as being a single mom to you does take a lot of my time. In addition to working a full time job, my volunteer work, etc., but rest assured, I will be writing you letters. My hope is that years from now, you will be able to look back on these letters that I have written and learn something. Learn something about me, as your mom and maybe even learn something about you, as a man. I would hope that you learn from things I did right, as well as learn from things I did wrong so you know not to repeat my mistakes. Life is full of lessons, my son. That would be lesson #1. :) 

Sometimes things don't workout the way you planned.  Your father and I created you, out of love, with a goal in mind to be a family, but that didn't quite work out as I had planned. Conor when you start to grow up and start to figure YOUR life out and what YOU want out of it, you will find yourself creating a little "Life Road Map" like I did. One day, you will find yourself traveling along that map, on cruise control, just as happy as can be. Then all of a sudden, you come to an intersection and you are faced with a couple different choices. Just remember this son, if you stay true to yourself and true to your dreams, no matter what direction you take at that intersection, it will lead you to your destination. If you turn right, it might take you a little longer than if you had turned left. If you turn left, it might take 10x longer than if you had gone straight. You never know what lies ahead of you Conor. All you can do, is like I said, be true to yourself and your dreams. You will find your destination. 

Kinda deep for a 5 year old huh? Yeah, I know... but I know it will be a long time before you read this. I am confident that when you do read this, you will be of an age where it will mean something to you. I hope that when you read this, you are at a place in your life that if you have questions or anything you want to say to me, that you feel can come to me. I also hope that I am still around for you to ask me those questions. Life has a funny way of getting in the way of your road map. Road blocks and speed bumps will appear out of nowhere. Honey, by the time you are interested in reading these letters, your road map will have so many twists and turns that it will literally look like a bowl of spaghetti. But, if you believe in yourself, like I believe in you, then you will find your way. 

Oh Conor. You are only 5 and you have already achieved do much and yet their is still sooo much more to accomplish. Pretty much for the last 3 years, you have had non-stop therapy. Developmental, Occupational, Speech, Habilitation, ABA and then add on pre-school to that. Did you have a choice in the matter? No, this was something I chose for you, as your mom, because that is my job. My job is to protect you and to give you all the tools you need to become whomever it is you want to become. Sure, I still have managed (don't ask me how) to try and make a normal life for you outside of therapy and school. Getting you into sports such as baseball and soccer. Giving you opportunities to make friends (Mateo, Isaiah and Caleb and others) as well as even meet your future wife, Violet (WINK WINK) I hope you will see in the years to come, just how much I love you and just how much I would do anything for you.

I KNOW I am not perfect. I KNOW I do not have all the answers, but I can PROMISE YOU this, my son. I am doing the very best I can for you and I as long as I am breathing, I will continue to do my best. I am soo incredibly proud of you and of the "little boy" you have grown to be. I look forward to watching you continue to grow, and become whomever it is you want to become. 

I love you baby. Happy 5th Birthday!

All My Love, Forever. 

Mom