06.10.15 - California Vacation 2015

My Dearest Conor,

Hi Baby! Ohhh we had soo much fun in California. Original intent over a year ago was for lots of friends and family to join us, to celebrate my 40th birthday, but it ended up being a small group of you, me, Mandi and Content. Our little group has soo much fun!

You got to visit w/ Jessie and Buzz from Toy Story

You had a blast on the Merry-Go-Round at California Adventures

Content, Mandi, you and me on the tram headed to Day3 at Disneyland 

You and Content watching the light/firework show at California Adventures

You loved The World Of Color show at California Adventures 

You were sooo excited to see Woody from Toy Story.  

We got lucky. Went to see Mickey Mouse at his house in Toon Town, but he wasn't there.

We did catch him as we were leaving California Adventures though!

Waiting was not your strong suit. This was you waiting for the World of Color show. 

Memorial Day weekend..... Proved to be a lot of people. That plus was the first weekend of

the Diamond Celebration (60th Anniversary of Disneyland) 

Hi mom! This was our first day at Disneyland. You still didn't quite know where we were going. 

Content, Me, Mandi and of course you as we walked into the Disneyland Park. 

We even got to visit with our friend Shannon from Autism Live! Stopped by the studio to check it out

and she ended up doing an interview! Was awesome to have lunch w/ her and Kelby

Here is the interview Shannon did while we were visiting California. 

Another picture of us on Day 1, on the tram, heading to Disneyland. You were sooo curious....

Mandi took you on Splash Mountain at California Adventure. This was probably your least favorite ride, but you still seemed to have fun!

You waiting for World of Conor. You were soo tired.

You got to visit with Donald Duck too! 

Here you are with Jessie from Toy Story, before Buzz came out.

You and Mandi on one of the many ride we took you on. 

Yeah.... You tuckerd out for about an hour. Sooo glad we had gotten you that stroller.

HHMMM... You sure did sleep a lot! LOL This was you and Mandi.

You trying to sleep as you waiting for World of Color, but too much going on. 

Mandi here readying your favorite book "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom"

We attempted to take you to the beach on our last day. Each day prior was drizzle filled and overcast, so we waiting as long as we could to get you some beach time in the hopes the weather would cooperate. We did take you to Long Beach (which I will never go back to - it was a crappy beach) but it was still over cast and a bit windy, making it a little cold. I am definitely going to make plans to take you back again before school starts though to get you some REAL beach time at a REAL beach! 

Oh this was fun! You really liked the Cars Ride at California Adventure. Can't say any of us liked getting stuck on the ride though. Luckily we probably only sat there for about 10 minutes. 

You saw Pluto too! 

Cousin love! Was so awesome for her to spend time w/ you. 

More pics of you and Woody. High Five! 

No fear.... That should be your nickname! This was you and Mandi on the ferris wheel at California Adventure. You definitely are not afraid of heights! 

Yeah..... THIS was a memorable dinner....... You threw up all over the table, the seat, yourself, and me! Was good times right there. Even better? We had used your spare set of clothes to change you when you got off the water ride w/ Mandi. I had to take you out of the restaurant and walk about a block to the cloests bathroom to clean you up, and then I had to go find and buy you new clothes. All while Mandi and Content finished (or tried to finish eating a rather expensive meal) as they watched the staff clean up your mess. Ehhhh it happens. I just appreciate Mandi and Content being such good troopers during that fiasco.  

Pluto signing your autograph book. 

You loved the fireworks too. I can't wait to take you to see fireworks on 4th of July!!!!

Content literally picked you up for both of the shows so you could see better.

She is like Superman, but a woman! :) LOL 

Yes Monkey. We had soo much much! I can't wait to take you back to the beach and back to Disneyland! 

I love you baby. 

All My Love, Forever.

Mom

04.15.15 - Your Major League Baseball Debut

My Dearest Conor,

Hi Baby! Ohhhhh what an experience you just had. Got a text from our friend Amy who used to work for Autism Speaks and she asked if you would be interested in throwing out the first pitch at the Diamondbacks game during Autism Awareness Day....... You honestly thing I would have told her "no"? :) 6 weeks later and after a little practice, you did it!!! I was sooo proud of you monkey. You have family and friends in the stands cheering you on, you had all your therapists on their field supporting you. It was a magic moment. You have come sooo far Conor. I am beyond proud of you Baby.

Here is the video I put together of your special day. Along with some photos below it. So proud!

I love you baby. 

All My Love, Forever.

Mom

03.01.15 - Sign It - Speak It - Push a Button... I just want to know you love me.

My Dearest Conor,

Hi again. Been 2 months since my last letter. You are keeping me pretty busy these days Conor! About to get busier this week too when you start Buddy Baseball again, but we will get through it together, like we do everything else. :) 

I just wanted to write to you and tell you about a class I took this past Friday. It was a class on communication devices and the different apps that could be used to help people like you communicate. I spent 7 hours in an itty bitty little room with a bunch of other kick ass autism parents, and I gotta tell you Conor, it was a great class! Usually when I am sitting in an itty bitty room like that for 7 hours, it's for traffic school. This class was sooo much better than traffic school! :) 

First of all.... The woman who instructed the class is the mother of a 17 year old boy named Kreed (whom you met for the first time last night). I learned a lot and was very motivated when I got home, so much so that I have spent the last few days off an on reprograming your iPad and adding some new buttons. Erin had a lot of great examples and videos to back up her examples of her son as he used his device. Kreed is 17 and only started using his device in last 5 or 6 years I believe. Today is like a pro at it! 

Kreed and Conor - 02/28/2015

Second........ Besides the fact that learning the device and getting used to it is difficult at times, I also learned the hardest part about implementing a communication device program is getting EVERYONE on board. I have learned this over the past year with various people in your life, but even with all the data taken and all the studies, some people still think that communication devices HINDER those still learning to speak. There are some people who no matter what you say to them, or what proof you show them, will never fully "buy-in" to the benefits of a communication device. I myself am 1000% on board. I have seen what it has done for you over the past year, I have seen what it has done for your communication skills. Hell..... just yesterday while we were driving in the car back from Tucson, you were was able to tell me that you saw McDonald's sign on the side of the road and that you wanted french fries and nuggets. You did this all with your communication device. Conor that is HUGE!!! I wanted to pull over and do a happy dance, but I refrained. I was afraid someone would have called and reported a crazy woman dancing on the side of the road. :) But seriously Conor, HOW would I have known you wanted to eat french fries and nuggets without being able to tell me? Since you can't verbalize that to me (YET), with the use of your device you knew how to communicate with me. You knew how to do that because of the training we were provided by Nick and Lindsay. 

So here's the deal..... This is what I have learned and continue to learn. There are two kinds of people. People who buy in to the use of communication devices and people who don't. I am in the "people who do buy in" group. Erin gave many examples in the class on Friday, but one has stuck in my head and just won't leave. Kreed is 17 years old and only started using a device to communicate a few years ago. IMAGINE all the things he has ever wanted to say over the past several years that he was unable to say because he did not have the tools to do so. I personally could not imagine going through life just staring at everyone and everything, and not have the means to communicate my thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. Not have any way to tell someone I was in pain, or didn't like the slop that they kept feeding me over and over again. 

Conor, let me just say this. YOU ARE MY HERO. You deal with sooo much on a daily basis, and sure you have a melt down and a tantrum there, but you still chug on. There is sooo much that we are trying to shove into that little brain of yours in such as short amount of time, I understand why you get frustrated. I just hope you realize, years from now when you are reading this letter, that I pushed because I love you and I pushed because this is just such a crucial time in your development. If I didn't push, I feel I would not be doing my job as your mother. 

Myself, along with all your therapists, are trying teaching you how to communicate in every possible way we can think of. Of course, every single day, every waking hour of every single day, we are trying to teach  you how to speak using your spoken word. But... we also work on teaching you sign language skills as well as teaching you how to communicate using your TouchChat app and iPad. Eventually, when you get better with your writing skills and reading and writing, we will teach you how to communicate using the alphabet and writing utensils as well. You have a ways to go before we get there, but show more and more progress every day. 

Conor, I am not going to lie to you.... of course I want you to speak. Of course I want to hear your voice. I want to hear you annoy me by repeating everything over and over again. I want you to ask me "why" a million times. I want to have an argument with you. I honestly 100% feel in my heart that YOU WILL SPEAK, ONE DAY. My head is telling me that I need to be a realist and that there is still the possibility that it may never happen. I need to prepare you for that, I need to prepare me for that. THAT is why I push. THAT is why I am doing everything possible to make sure that you have all the tools you need to learn to communicate. 

I refuse to wait till you are 10 or 12 or 15 before I say "okay, he is never going to talk maybe we should look into getting him a communication device". Just because at the age of 4 when you started using your device, and now at 5 when we push you to use it more, I am by no means going to allow you to use your device as a crutch to NOT use your verbal communication skills. But...... this is me and this is my choice as your mother, to make sure you have these tools. Conor, I NEED you to be able to tell me your head hurts even if it's by using sign language. I NEED to know that you need a drink of water, even if it's by using your device. Those things I need to know. But there is one thing I would give practically anything to hear you SAY, and that is "I LOVE YOU". But, for now, I will accept sign language. I will accept hearing it on your device.

Conor signing "I Love You"

One more thing before I sign off on this letter. There are some people that may not like me because I do push so much. There are some people who may not agree with my way of thinking in regards to this device -vs- speech -vs- sign language or any of my other choices regarding your therapy for that matter. There are also some people who I had expected more from in regards to "being on board", but I have learned recently that I can't expect to change the thought process of everyone on the planet. I have been told on numerous occasions that my expectations are rather high. Well..... when it comes to my kids, you bet your ass my expectations are high, as are my expectations for those around my kids. I understand that no one is going to fight as hard for you, your services, your therapy, your education, your everything more than I will. Conor, I will fight for you till my last breath. 

Look, like I said, I know you are going through a lot right now, but in time, this will all be worth it. I am soooo incredibly proud of you and of all that you have accomplished. I wish you would be a little less ninja like, but that is who you are and I love you for it no matter what. ;) You keep up the good work you are doing Monkey. I will keep pushing to give you the tools you need to do it. It will pay off.... 

I love you baby. 

All My Love, Forever.
Mom

01.02.15 - Happy new year

My Dearest Conor,

Well, we did it baby! We survived another year. :) Happy New Year!!! 10 years ago, I never could have imagined that staying home, alone, with a kid on New Years would have brought me happiness, but it did. Your quirkiness makes me smile and your sense of style warms my heart. This is how you chose to dress up for the night and ring in the new year. And boy did you ring it in with "style". LOL 

I guess Grandpa Clyde giving you a good long nap during the day on New Years Eve worked out in our favor, as you actually stayed up till midnight to watch the ball drop. Although you could have cared less and just kept pressing your "Blue Clues" button on your iPad, it meant something to me to be able to ring in the new year with you. 

Of course, the first day of 2015 was no different than most nights of 2014, as you ended up in my bed in the middle of the night, again. I tried and tried to get you to go back to sleep and you wouldn't have it. Finally, I asked you if you wanted to hear your songs on the phone. You responded with your lazy way of saying "yes" with your nod and your blink, which BTW reminds me so much of an old TV show called "I Dream of Jeanie". Don't worry, I don't expect you to have any clue what I am talking about. :) 

As I put your songs on and tried to keep the covers on you (because it was freezing), you started to doze. Then, song #3 came on and you rolled over and looked at me. I asked you if you wanted me to sing again, and again, you nodded and blinked. Song #3 on your playlist is called "You and Me Against the World" and it's by a woman named Helen Reddy. It's an older song, but one of my favorites. I have been signing this song to you were first born, and 9x out of 10 you are asleep either before it started or by the end of it. If only I knew back then, just how true the words of the song would actually become.... But regardless, it is one of our songs and always will be. 

What amazed me though Conor was, at 3am when I was trying to get you to go back to sleep, was your immense desire to hear this song. What else amazed me was your almost constant eye contact with me the entire time I was singing this song to you. It was a very personal moment, and I just had to take this picture. Now, Conor... I think we both know by now that by no means can I carry a tune, nor do I pretend to. But the simple fact that you laid there, during the entire song, making eye contact (except for when you were dozing off and eyes were starting to close) and listened to me (attempt) to sing the song. I was moved. Those tears that you saw leaking from my eye, those were happy tears. Those were tears of joy and tears of hope. Just like the little child says at the end of the song, "I love you Mommy" and the Mommy responds "I love you to Baby". I am hopeful that 2015 will be the year I get to actually hear those words from you. 

But, you know what though, Conor? If you don't say it this year, or next or even ever.... That's okay. I know you feel it and I know you want to say it. You show me that  you love me each and every single day, and just as I have been saying for years "actions speak louder than words". 

Conor, you proved that very statement to me this morning when I was leaving for work. You sat there on the floor, between Halei and myself, and I told you that I loved you. You responded by signing "I love you" completely independently. No prompting..... No help...... Just 100% Conor, sitting in the middle of the floor, responding to my verbal "I love you" with you signing "I love you". You just signed "I love you" like you had been signing your entire life. Again, actions speak louder than words. 

So baby, as we start off 2015 on that note, I couldn't be more happy. We have soo much to do this year. Lot of changes are in store for us, and I can't wait to look back 1 year from now and reflect on all the progress you will have made. 

I love you baby. Happy New Year!

All My Love, Forever.

Mom