12.23.15 - Stop With All The Positive Stuff!

My Dearest Conor,

Hi Monk.... This is not a letter that I am going to enjoy writing one bit, but I need to get this out.

"Your child is at risk of autism...."
"Your child is non-verbal...."
"Your child has autism spectrum disorder...."
"Do this therapy and that therapy...."
"Fight for this service and that service...."

I do everything I am asked to do, and then some. I make my deadlines. I get my paperwork in usually before it's due. I get your evaluations done when I am asked to get  them done. I make sure your pick up and drop off schedule from school and therapy is organized. I make sure you have a trustworthy adults (your grandparents) with you at all times when I am not with you, someone whom loves you and knows you and can tend to your special needs. When you have behavior issues (like you have been having lately) I make your lead therapist aware of them ASAP so we can try and nip them in the bud sooner rather than later.

Conor you are so incredibly smart. You learn and pick up on new things like a pro. I am always hearing hearing how well you are doing, how you are so loving and that your smile is infectious. And as much as I love to hear all these sweet things about you, I really really wish everyone would just stop telling me how cute you are and how adorable you are and how sweet you are. I don't want to hear this right now.

It not that I "want" to hear all the negative comments, it's that I NEED to hear all negative comments. Not from the people on your Facebook page. They don't interact with you on a daily basis. I am talking about your teachers. Your therapists. Your grandparents. I NEED to hear the negative. I NEED to hear all the things you are not doing that you are supposed to. I NEED to hear all the things you did wrong. Things you refused to do. Things you threw. How many times you kicked the table or how many minutes it took for you to transition from one task to another. I NEED to hear the negative. I NEED to hear what we need to work on. I NEED to hear what is working and what is not working. I NEED someone to be fricken honest with me and tell me "this method of therapy is not working, try this".

Your behaviors lately are getting more and more unpredictable. Your anger and aggression is starting to concern me. At 65 pounds and your strength increasing, you could quite possibly not only hurt yourself but people around you. I NEED TO HEAR THE NEGATIVE. If people keep blowing smoke up my ass by telling me how cute you are and how much you love me (which I know you do) and avoid telling me all the negative behaviors you had during the day, how am I to know you are having these behaviors so they can be worked on?

EARLY INTERVENTION IS KEY.... I have said that since day one, but if I assume you had a great day and had no issues, then I assume all is well and there is nothing to focus on (other than the norm). If I am told you kicked the table 10x when you came in from the playground, you hit the wall 10x when you arrived home for speech, or threw a chair 4x before being relaxed enough to complete a task during occupational therapy. I can see a pattern and your lead therapist can see a pattern that you are having issues w/ transitioning from task to task or environment to environment. What is behind this particular type of behavior and having issues w/ transitioning? It's called ANXIETY.

Conor having anxiety is not fun. I have at times had my issues w/ anxiety and anxiety attacks. I know my anxiety issues and what causes them are much different than your anxiety issues and what causes them, but the fact remain is that ANY anxiety issues are not fun.

So what can be done? Well, we modify your therapy slightly and put some visual aids in place to TRY and help you to understand things better. Since your anxiety seems to be caused by various types of transitions, we focus on that right now and see if these visual aids can help. Baby you have so many other struggles you deal with on a regular basis, from sensory issues, to communication this fricken anxiety issue was the last thing I needed to hear tonight, but it makes sense. This is why I NEED to hear the negative and stop listening to all the cute comments and the loving comments. These are all thing I already know about you. I know you are beyond cute, I know you are incredibly loving, I know you love me and communicate that to me in your own "Conor Way", but if I am going to help you, I NEED to know everything and that includes the negative.

I don't mean to knock ANY of the progress you have made, are currently making or will continue to make. Every single little step you take forward is progress and I am over the mood proud of you for it. So incredibly proud Monk, but I NEED to hear the other stuff right now.

It's 2 days before Christmas and as much as I would like to sit here and tell you a goody goody gumdrop story about how this is going to be an amazing Christmas, it's not going to happen. These last couple weeks have been rough. Between stresses and deadlines at my work, money worries, insurance worries, therapy worries, behaviors issues with you, and some other personal things going on, it is really hard for me to get in to the Christmas mood this year. As you grow up and learn more about me, you will see how me being in this "Ba-Hum-Bug" mood this year, is not the norm for me. But, things happen. There is always next year to look forward to!

No matter what mood I am in, just know that I AM PROUD OF YOU and I AM PROUD of all the progress you have made over this past year. We still have a long road ahead of us Monk, but if we stay focused on what we need to work on and listen to your oh so wise BCBA, I think we will be fine.

I love you Monkey.

All my love forever,
Mommy

12.13.15 - Holiday Emotions

My Dearest Conor

Hey Baby. I hate long weekends like this when you are at your father's house, but he is bringing you home in a little bit and I will be taking you over to Auntie's house to get a much needed haircut. You gotta look slick for your birthday party next weekend! God I can't believe you are going to be 6 years old. It seems like just yesterday I was stressing about whether or not I was finally going to be pregnant and now I am going to be celebrating your 6th birthday.

Conor I wish you knew what this season was all about. I wish you understood why everything is all decked out in lights and red and green. I wish you knew why I am so all about traditions like the tree, special ornaments, Santa, baking etc. I can't help but wonder if you will ever understand. I can only dream that one day you will "get it" and one day you will be able to experience and create new traditions with a family of your own. I am well aware that your future is unknown and as much as that scares the living shit out of me, I have to learn to accept the fact that there are just some things out of my control. That is not easy for me to do.

One thing that is within my control is providing you the best opportunity possible to make a successful and independent future a reality rather than just a dream of mine. Besides making sure that you are in the best school possible for you (no matter how far away it is) and making sure you have the best possible therapy you can get, I am doing everything I can to set you up on some one on one playdates. These play dates are designed to help you with social situations, communication, sharing and so much more. You had your first play date with your friend Jayen last week. I was shocked, and I think your therapists were shocked as well that it went as smooth as it did. You both played trains for a good 30 minutes. You had a snack and ended playing independently in your playroom while you watched one of your favorite "My Baby Can Read" videos. We have another play date set up for this coming Tuesday as well. I am excited we have these opportunities with your friend and also excited that your therapists are going to be there to supervise, take data and help prompt here and there. This not only is a good opportunity for you, but also your friend Jayen. Jayen has autism, but he also has epilepsy. He is an amazing kid and is delayed just like you. Although his speech and communication is more advanced than yours you both still have your special ways of communicating. I love seeing you too play together. I warms my heart.

  

Conor, I need to sign off here so I can go take a shower. You will be home soon and we are going to go get your haircut, get some dinner and then check out some Christmas lights! But I do want to take a quick second to apologize to you first. I know Mommy has been somewhat of an emotional wreck the last couple weeks. You have had some changes in routine (yet again) and are doing the very best you can to cope with those changes. I have also been doing my best to cope with your changes, your new behaviors and so much more. I am sorry if I am sad sometimes, I know you don't understand this emotion yet and it's time like this that I am VERY grateful for that, but I still feel the need to apologize. I have been under a lot of stress lately and there is a lot going on during this time of year in general. Top the seasonal changes off, I am really missing your sister lately (as of today, it has been 995 days since we have last seen her), there are things going on at work, decisions about our future that need to be made and memories that just keep popping up here and there. Needless to say it is just an emotional time of year for me. For some reason, this year seems to be more emotional. Just know I am doing my best to be "present" and I will ALWAYS be here for you. I love you so much Monkey.

All my love forever,
Mommy